A Story I Haven't Told Yet

I have been waiting to share this intimate story until I felt the time was right. Well, the time may be right now, because I have been feeling the prompting that it is time to share.

I am one of those pretty typical moms who wanted to wait a couple years between having babies, so that my body could heal and my mind could wrap around the idea of being pregnant, again. My first pregnancy was very difficult – I was always sick, gained 50 pounds and swelled too big to wear my wedding ring by the 4^th month. Afterward I got a horrible infection in one of my breasts that prevented breastfeeding on that side, and I didn’t bond with my son until he was probably around 3 weeks old. Before that point, I didn’t even know if I loved this creature who had come out of me…I didn’t know him and all he wanted was to use me as his feeder – his cow – the thing that kept him alive…but I was EXHAUSTED. Well, eventually, we bonded, and after 3 months I didn’t have to breastfeed anymore, as he was done with it, and that made me happy…I never liked it much, anyway.

Flash forward to 8 months later. We have a very happy baby boy who keeps us on our toes and is probably the most handsome little man I have ever seen. We are constantly getting compliments on his blue eyes and how very cute he is by strangers everywhere we go. We are so blessed.

I had been going through some kind of weird things at the time… - 1) I had been getting phantom kicks and 2) I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was all just very weird to me, especially because I never got the phantom kicks before that, not even right after having my son. I actually enjoyed having my body to myself, again. So, getting phantom kicks at 8 months post baby was SUPER odd…I found myself taking pregnancy tests to make sure that I wasn’t pregnant, it was so freaky.

Anyway, it was a quiet Saturday in our house. Jayton was taking a nap, Clayton was preparing a talk for church and I was doing the dishes. It was one of those peaceful moments that rarely happen in a household that has children.

Then…I can’t explain the feeling that I had come over me. I felt the spirit of a little girl. A girl who needed to be here now…who couldn’t wait anymore and whose brother needs her in this life to protect and nurture him. So, from that point, I knew she existed. I knew I needed to get pregnant again, and quickly. These two would need each other, but what I felt the most is that my son needs her. He needs a protector…and I don’t know why. I can’t see the future, but I can feel it. Jayton is sensitive, easily overwhelmed and loves to be around other children. He has a hard time without a playmate…so all of this made some sense to me.

And then, I cried. I cried because I miss my body. I cried because I still had 30 pounds to lose from my previous pregnancy. This wasn’t something that I wanted. I miss being in such good shape that I can do 25 push-ups at any time with no problem, or go on a 30 mile bike ride, easily. I had a plan…and it was being crushed.

But then, I also knew that if I didn’t follow this prompting that my babies would both suffer. This was one of those rare moments where I couldn’t deny the spirit and the obvious impressions I was receiving. Heavenly Father was testing me and shaping me into the mother I need to be. Seeing if I would follow a prompting.

We were pregnant within a month.

We found out it was a girl 20 weeks later. I wasn’t surprised. J

I can’t explain to you the connection I already have with this daughter of God. Every time she moves…which is all day, lately…I am reminded of the strong spirit that she has and the strong woman that she is. I pray that I will be a good mother to her. But, most of all, I already know her. She is me. She is so similar to me and how I was growing up with my brothers - the protector, the nurturer, wanting everyone to be ok. But more than that, she will be MY daughter and she will be here soon. This pregnancy has been magical…and I know it’s so that I can already bond with her, before she even arrives. I can’t wait to meet this little angel who spoke to me from the other side...almost saying… “Mommy…I need to get here! Please bring me to your family, now!  My little brother needs me. You need me. Don’t forget about me.” My sweet baby…I answered your call…and you will be here soon. We can’t wait to hold you, and love you with all of our hearts. Love, Mommy.