Sunday, January 8
So, I just finished watching, well...a few...movies, which made me contemplate what I'm really looking for.
This is what I definitely enjoy at the moment, that trumps everything else I'm "supposed" to be doing, whatever that means. 1) NOT working overtime 2) Crocheting, with a hot pad on my back, while watching whatever fun thing is on the TV at the time...but I'm definitely a movie-holic 3) Eating healthy 4) Working out......about 2 times a week...ha 5) Absolutely relaxing.
That's it. Really. I definitely don't enjoy going out and being social right now. Nothing makes me happier than knowing that I'm almost done at work, and can then just go home, relax...and put my pj's on.
Now, after thinking deeply about that, and realizing that I'd rather do that than date or meet anyone new....well....I'm allowing it. I'm allowing myself the opportunity to just chill out, relax and take time for myself. Mostly, because I never allowed myself to stop for very long with whatever I was doing in almost all of the past years of my life. I'm tired...I'm not in the mood to shake my tail feathers or whatever...haha, but seriously!
This is where the pure honesty sets in. I was talking to a girl friend of mine the other day...whom just got married - congrats!...and she was talking about what scared her about dating and marriage, before finally finding the guy. The only thing I could think of is......I'm scared of it actually working out. I definitely know I run or push the guy away when things start going well. And, yes, although I have had some relationships in the very long ago that could have worked that I didn't end, I'm not sure I wouldn't have eventually done just that.
And...well, that's all I have to say right now. This is honesty without me trying to figure out why, or talk myself into something that absolutely freaks me out...mostly because...I'd have no idea what to do if a relationship actually worked out. I've never gotten that far before. And I'm pretty positive I haven't let my emotions be completely available for anyone in a few years at least.
That's the truth.