Hi! I'm a Latter-Day-Saint (Mormon)...but I'm definitely not typical...

Monday, February 19

I'm Not That Kind of Mom

When I got married at 32 years old, I had had many years of dreaming about children and thinking about what kind of mom I hoped I would be. I had heard stories of the bonds that mothers had with their children and had long wished for those same bonds for myself with my own children. I had nannied for about 3 years to help teach myself how to be a good parent and as well as to get my child-fix to make sure I never married for children and not love. That worked, by the way. My baby-hungry feelings were calmed and I enjoyed every moment I spent with every amazing child that I had the opportunity to nanny and spend time with.

When the time came for me to actually get married and start a family of my own, let's just say I was more than a little ecstatic! Clayton and I started our family very quickly, getting pregnant within the first couple months of marriage. I endured a very sick pregnancy with my son with no small of amount of puking and poor food choices. I still gained 50 pounds and completely disliked being pregnant.

Not everyone talks about it, but I think one of the things that new moms do constantly when they are pregnant is imagine the first time they see their baby. What will it be like? How will it feel to see my own child for the first time? We have all heard the amazing stories of the "instant connection" and "overwhelming love" that most new moms seem to speak about. I was SO excited for this experience! I dreamed and daydreamed about it. I imagined what he would look like and who he might be like. I tried to imagine, but had a hard time guessing what this "new mom love" and "instant connection" might feel like.

The day came to deliver. My water broke that morning and we got the hospital about 1 hour later. I was having regular contractions and was ready to check in!

Soon after I saw him...my son! I saw him...and he was some baby that I had pushed out of me. I had never met him before. Clayton and my mom both cried. But I didn't feel anything new but sore and tired. Where was the connection that people had talked about?? I thought to myself that I just must have not gotten a good enough look at him, because they took him so quickly to measure/check over him. I waited until I got to hold him again. Well....time passed and I still didn't feel a connection. Jayton - my new son - was not great at nursing. In fact, nursing hurt worse than my natural childbirth a lot of the time. The only time I spent with my new child was either painful nursing or rocking him to sleep. There wasn't really a lot of interaction. Lots of family and friends came over or saw me at church/etc. I CONSTANTLY got the "How does it feel to be a mom?" question those first 3 weeks after he was born. I always answered very honestly - "I don't know. Ask me in a couple of months when I feel like one."

I didn't have an instant connection. I didn't feel like a mom to him. If anything, I felt like a cow who had to fulfill needs from a baby that she didn't even know. I had a breakdown to my sweet husband about it one night and he dealt with it amazingly. We had gone to a birthing class together and had both been warned about baby blues, so he was aware. I had a breakdown about how hard everything was and how I didn't even know if I loved my son. I felt like a horrible mother. Yet...I didn't even feel like a mother.

After some time passed, and I had gotten medication for an infection from breastfeeding, things changed. When Jayton was about 3 weeks old, I looked at him, and the feeling overwhelmed me. I was a mother, and he was my son! I looked at my baby and he finally felt like mine. It was an amazing feeling and one that I had waited for for so long. What an amazing feeling it was...to have a baby that was mine and that I felt such a strong love for.

The second time around with my daughter, it wasn't much different. Although she was an amazing breast feeder, I still just didn't feel that automatic love or connection. I thought that I definitely would because I understood what being a mother was this time around...but I just didn't.

But the difference with this time around is that I knew that feeling would come. It took longer with Kaylee than Jayton...about a month. But guess what? That's ok. I knew Jayton better than Kaylee and attributed it to that. For me...motherhood grows on me slowly. It's not automatic but it's a beautiful and surreal connection.

What an amazing gift motherhood is! It's never as we expect it to be, but isn't it a wonderful and crazy ride?! I'm so glad I get to experience it.

So much love to all of you,

Jamee