The Flip-Side of Me

Sometimes I am regular old me - the one who walks into a room all hyper and crazy happy and smiling and thuper exthited for everything!! And then there's the flip-side of my personality, the me who I am not so often, but still sometimes - the quiet, kinda depressed and depressing, just here to be here, me. I am learning to be ok with this every day. I will probably write about this often.

I wish that I could say at 31 I've pretty much figured myself out. No one can actually say that. I believe that there will always be people out there who definitely think they have completely figured themselves out, buuuuuuuut give them some time...and they'll re-think that for sure. Now, I'm talking about knowing the intricacies of yourself...not only what your moral core entails, but why you act the way you do, your emotional needs, your abilities and how you express them and so on.

It was only back in 2011-2012 that I was finding out I had done things a BIT wrong. For some reason...I never understood what us Communication Majors call "emotional intelligence". This is understanding your emotions, being able to recognize them and fully express them at appropriate times and places. At least...that is kind of my spin on the definition. http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037 - here is a CRAZY LONG emotional intelligence test. I started it and got through about the first 15 questions - patience is still something I'm working on ;) ...there are like 146 questions or something there so...if you have time and have a strong desire to know your emotional intelligence, the results may be interesting! So...back to my story I kinda started! I went through a type of personality crisis back in 2011-12 and spent a long time figuring myself out, whatever that means. I spent more time alone in about a year than I had spent collectively in all of my living years previous to that. I gave myself time to think - about why I wasn't as happy as I used to be, about what I really wanted and who I really was. Had I spent my whole life as the entertainer at the party when I didn't always feel like being that way? I was extremely confused and gave myself time to think, ponder and pray.

1 Corinthians 14:33 - "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the Saints." Heavenly Father teaches us that His spirit will bring us peace. As we seek his peace we will find clarity, as his way is not to lead us to confusion. I also love that this scripture points out in all churches of the Saints - no matter your religion - if God's spirit does not bring you a sense of peace, serenity and calm assurance, then something is incorrect. His way is never one of boasting, pride, or of being overzealous. I know that when the spirit is strong in my life, I am full of pure joy and faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I may sometimes wonder what a correct decision is for me at the time, but this does not mean I am confused. I know that as I make decisions and move forward with those decisions with a prayer in my heart, the spirit (Holy Ghost) will confirm to me whether that decision is correct or not. If it is not correct, I make another decision and once again go through the process. When I have followed this pattern in my life to the best of my ability, I have been lead to make correct decisions.

I know this, but sometimes it's easy to forget. I have definitely not always prayed about big decisions before making them, and sometimes my prayers have not been approached correctly.

At the time I was trying to figure out who I was inherently - yes, I believe in an "essential" self, as I know that I existed as a spirit child before coming to this earth - and who I wanted to be. I sought the guidance of the spirit, family and close friends, mostly in that order. Yes, I sought professional counseling and also used the gym as my counselor, working with a personal trainer to meet fitness goals...this last thing helped immensely, more than I would have expected! When in a time of sadness, or trial, setting a new health or fitness goal truly makes a difference. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043 - read here how exercising improves depression and mental illness.

The reason I am even sharing all of this, and I know I'm writing alot so bear with me - is, since I have gotten to know myself better, my emotional intelligence has improved - I am able to recognize when I need time away to allow myself a moment of sadness or "down time"...or even just time to be by myself or just with family doing absolutely nothing. The hard part is when I don't have time for downtime.

Let me tell you, if you do not plan time for YOU...YOU will not survive. Give yourself time to sit, ponder, pray, meditate, commune, whatever you need to do to center yourself! For me...I would love a temple trip. Every time I plan one I seem to have some huge homework assignment come up or work happens......BUT.....I will make it there, because I have to for my own sanity :)

Things I love to keep myself centered, focused, calm and peaceful
1) Constant prayer - always helps :)
2) Good, supportive family and friends :)
3) The Gym (I need to remember this one because I don't go often enough!!)
4) Hot Yoga (Ok...this one would help - this is a reminder...I have only been once since I got my Groupon :)
5) Baths - seriously
6) NOT homework :)

Long post...I promise...when I thought about writing it...it had more of a point :)

Love :)

A Long Time in the Making

    Today I realized that I haven't written a blog post in awhile...although I am up doing homework, trying to frantically keep up with this (my last!!) semester - I just can't seem to stay focused - I kept feeling a need to start up my blog once again.

 

     So...here you have it. Whatever THIS is. I honestly have not thought through what to write today except to say "hello." I am alive! I am finally graduating University in May...I have definitely taken tooooooooo much time off here and there...and here and there again! :)

   

    I am coming to understand myself more every day. Through my classes at college

I am realizing my weaknesses and strengths in how I communicate...not only how I communicate myself in general, but what this also says to others. I have been made to think a few things - Am I too forward? Do I speak too much out of turn? Am I too competitive in conflict situations? 

 

    This leads me to think of more Christian, spiritual questions...Am I a good friend? Do I give enough service? Do I share the Gospel often enough and at the right times? I pray that these questions can more than not be answered "yes" than "no".

 

    At the end of this year I plan to move to Virginia. I am excited because this will bring a welcome change and I will finally have the opportunity to spend time with my MTC (Missionary Training Center) companion and all of her children whom I have never met! The last time I saw her was on her wedding day, back in 2005 or 2006? Since then she has had more than a few children and is pregnant once again. It will be so great to get to know her once again in this new stage of life. I am definitely excited! Yet, I am reluctant.

 

    I feel that when I finally get comfortable where I am at, when I am really beginning to make friends and spend time with them, and grow close to them - especially my girl friends - I leave them. Sometimes this is brought on by my own uneasiness in living somewhere for too long as I love change, but sometimes it is because I feel it is time to move or more specifically that Heavenly Father is leading me somewhere new. I don't always know where that "new" place is, and I definitely have made some wrong decisions in the past as to where I am supposed to move to...so...let's just say that I'm still praying about Virginia ;)

 

    I don't want to leave the Boise LDS Institute Choir with which I have grown so fond of being a part of. Not only do amazing people belong to it every time I have had the opportunity to be involved, but the spirit that I feel there is amazing. Sometimes we all need a little bit of spiritual nourishment, even when we don't realize we need it! I have often sung in a performance or practice with this choir, not realizing I needed to commune with my Heavenly Father, and been sometimes literally struck by the power of the spirit, bringing me peace, a feeling of comfort and a sweet calm that overcomes me. I love the peace that the spirit brings, and the joy that a knowledge of the gospel brings.

    Also, although I am definitely an independent child, I have definitely grown closer to my mom and step-dad this time around. Going through a time of figuring myself out a bit more has caused me to be more in-tune with others as well, and has definitely caused a closer relationship with my family in many ways...I love them so much! 

 

   Since I wrote last I have also begun working with children as my main source of income. This income is definitely hit-and-miss but I have been extremely blessed to have steady work. I think Heavenly Father knew that I needed a break from corporate America...(haha!!)...but seriously, I did not try as hard as I should have to become somewhat self-employed as a nanny-for-hire :) I was definitely blessed, and have learned more than I EVER thought I could as to how to be a good mother, and how to raise my children in the right way. My needs of having children are fulfilled enough to not be a burden and pressure when in the dating world. It is SO nice to feel fulfilled in that way and be able to be more fully myself :)

 

  With these random thoughts in the universe...:)...I would ask you what you have done lately to feed your soul? This may seem like a pretty corny/cheesy question, but I am asking it anyway! What have you done to fulfill you? In service to others, furthering education in any capacity, not being afraid to love, and being a good friend and family member, we can fill our own "love buckets"...I am lucky...right now, mine is pretty full :)

 

Love you ;-)

 

Jamee