Sometimes I am regular old me - the one who walks into a room all hyper and crazy happy and smiling and thuper exthited for everything!! And then there's the flip-side of my personality, the me who I am not so often, but still sometimes - the quiet, kinda depressed and depressing, just here to be here, me. I am learning to be ok with this every day. I will probably write about this often.
I wish that I could say at 31 I've pretty much figured myself out. No one can actually say that. I believe that there will always be people out there who definitely think they have completely figured themselves out, buuuuuuuut give them some time...and they'll re-think that for sure. Now, I'm talking about knowing the intricacies of yourself...not only what your moral core entails, but why you act the way you do, your emotional needs, your abilities and how you express them and so on.
It was only back in 2011-2012 that I was finding out I had done things a BIT wrong. For some reason...I never understood what us Communication Majors call "emotional intelligence". This is understanding your emotions, being able to recognize them and fully express them at appropriate times and places. At least...that is kind of my spin on the definition. http://www.queendom.com/tests/access_page/index.htm?idRegTest=3037 - here is a CRAZY LONG emotional intelligence test. I started it and got through about the first 15 questions - patience is still something I'm working on ;) ...there are like 146 questions or something there so...if you have time and have a strong desire to know your emotional intelligence, the results may be interesting! So...back to my story I kinda started! I went through a type of personality crisis back in 2011-12 and spent a long time figuring myself out, whatever that means. I spent more time alone in about a year than I had spent collectively in all of my living years previous to that. I gave myself time to think - about why I wasn't as happy as I used to be, about what I really wanted and who I really was. Had I spent my whole life as the entertainer at the party when I didn't always feel like being that way? I was extremely confused and gave myself time to think, ponder and pray.
1 Corinthians 14:33 - "For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the Saints." Heavenly Father teaches us that His spirit will bring us peace. As we seek his peace we will find clarity, as his way is not to lead us to confusion. I also love that this scripture points out in all churches of the Saints - no matter your religion - if God's spirit does not bring you a sense of peace, serenity and calm assurance, then something is incorrect. His way is never one of boasting, pride, or of being overzealous. I know that when the spirit is strong in my life, I am full of pure joy and faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. I may sometimes wonder what a correct decision is for me at the time, but this does not mean I am confused. I know that as I make decisions and move forward with those decisions with a prayer in my heart, the spirit (Holy Ghost) will confirm to me whether that decision is correct or not. If it is not correct, I make another decision and once again go through the process. When I have followed this pattern in my life to the best of my ability, I have been lead to make correct decisions.
I know this, but sometimes it's easy to forget. I have definitely not always prayed about big decisions before making them, and sometimes my prayers have not been approached correctly.
At the time I was trying to figure out who I was inherently - yes, I believe in an "essential" self, as I know that I existed as a spirit child before coming to this earth - and who I wanted to be. I sought the guidance of the spirit, family and close friends, mostly in that order. Yes, I sought professional counseling and also used the gym as my counselor, working with a personal trainer to meet fitness goals...this last thing helped immensely, more than I would have expected! When in a time of sadness, or trial, setting a new health or fitness goal truly makes a difference. http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/depression-and-exercise/MH00043 - read here how exercising improves depression and mental illness.
The reason I am even sharing all of this, and I know I'm writing alot so bear with me - is, since I have gotten to know myself better, my emotional intelligence has improved - I am able to recognize when I need time away to allow myself a moment of sadness or "down time"...or even just time to be by myself or just with family doing absolutely nothing. The hard part is when I don't have time for downtime.
Let me tell you, if you do not plan time for YOU...YOU will not survive. Give yourself time to sit, ponder, pray, meditate, commune, whatever you need to do to center yourself! For me...I would love a temple trip. Every time I plan one I seem to have some huge homework assignment come up or work happens......BUT.....I will make it there, because I have to for my own sanity :)
Things I love to keep myself centered, focused, calm and peaceful
1) Constant prayer - always helps :)
2) Good, supportive family and friends :)
3) The Gym (I need to remember this one because I don't go often enough!!)
4) Hot Yoga (Ok...this one would help - this is a reminder...I have only been once since I got my Groupon :)
5) Baths - seriously
6) NOT homework :)
Long post...I promise...when I thought about writing it...it had more of a point :)